My business name is Mulefeather Media, and you can find my new site at www.mulefeather.com. I'm moving away from Livejournal as a whole, as it seems to be going downhill, and I need to start getting a wider exposure for my writing. I'm pushing towards writing for publication, hopefully in the magazine route, but dabbling in copywriting and content generation as well.
The blog is still in it's infancy, but keep a sharp eye out as I add more and more :) I'll be keeping a twice-weekly update schedule, Mondays and Wednesdays.
It feels like walking into a strange museum chronicling my life when I come back here. I dust the cobwebs off and look back at little moments caught for all time on digital paper, indelible ink, at the mercy of some hidden server or another that decides when and if this 10-year chunk of my lifespan will disappear into the ether, never to be seen again.
And so, to restart the clock, and let you know I am not dead - I post.
At last post, I was back in the wind, job-wise. I spent six miserable weeks working for a local trucking/road sign company where I had almost literally nothing to do all day, before being told (on a Sunday, no less) that my services were no longer going to be required. Within that hour I had an interview back at Rite Aid Corporate, went to the interview on Monday, and nailed it. I spent another three months stressed, sick off and on, and feeling like I was at the breaking point - when I was invited back to my old department by my old manager. I was to take over administration of the project I had helped out on. And so I did - with one twist. The girl who originally administrated it was having a baby...and decided not to return. So after two long years of uncertainty, I finally found myself a permanent place work-wise. I love my job right now and I am learning and growing so, so much all the time. I feel like I've found my "place" amidst the storm of the last few years.
I feel almost like I have PTSD, though. Like this is all a dream and the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any moment. I may be going back to the doctor to discuss anxiety medication again, as well as treatment for my ADHD.
I am still seeing my "gentleman caller", who is now my boyfriend! We've known known one another and have been dating for just over two years at this point. We are still long-distance, generally seeing each other every 2-3 weeks at this point. It is hard to say goodbye at the end of a visit, and I wonder what the future will bring, but for the moment I am trying to just enjoy being in love again without thinking too far ahead. Trying to extrapolate 2, 4, 6 years in the future is simply a way to make yourself crazy for no real, present reason. Also, post-divorce dating, with another post-divorcee, is a bit more of a slow, languid, less desperate dance than pre-marriage dating was. It is a more cautious, somewhat more frightened flitting of two participants who bear both deep scars, and deep fears based on experiences others have not had.
I can't say my experiences being married did not change me. I am perhaps a bit more cynical and jaded than I used to be. I'm a bit more apt to put things down quickly when it feels like something is really wrong rather than try to fix it. But I feel that with the pain came a wisdom that I've been able to use to help others. Like a blaze on a fallow pasture, divorce burned away many of the things that did not matter anymore, and let a generous amount of sunlight and new life back into my world. I still keep in touch with my ex somewhat, but it is now a more distant friendship. I fear for my ex's future, but in the same breath I know it is his own to make or unmake.
I am *attempting* to get back into horses after a long absence. I have been trying to find someone to learn groundwork from, or who I can take carriage-driving lessons from. I've considered buying a driving mini or donkey as a more cost-effective equine to have in my life, and I'm gravitating more towards the donkey. I don't feel comfortable riding right now - not with the current weight situation and my lack of fitness. The first time I tried to get into a big road cart I about broke myself. I was doing well until things went nuts last year for me job-wise, and I've definitely gained some weight back. I'll be doing as much as I possibly can in the coming months to get fitter, but I think depression and a long winter have had me fairly wishy-washy in terms of eating and exercise.
Boyfriend admitted he does not see himself as a gentleman farmer at any time in his life, but that's nothing new to my experience. I am used to my passions being my own and in some ways, that's very freeing. It's actually uncomfortable sometimes to have someone along who does not feel that same spark and hunger to learn about things as you do. I'm used to going these things alone, but also trying to make some new friends at the same time and expand my world. I'm hoping to volunteer more with the local horse show association this spring and summer, as well as with my carriage driving club.
I need to write more. 'Nuff said.
- I worked for a year with Rite Aid in their corporate office as a long-term temporary employee. They wanted to hire me but wasn't in the cards financially, so I'm now back in the wind :( I've had one good interview so far after 4 days of unemployment, hoping that will have a positive result.
- I've been divorced OFFICIALLY since September 10th, 2013.
- I moved into a new apartment in October of 2013. I like my roommate, he's a pretty cool guy I've been friends with for a long time. We pretty much have a similar cleanliness style, noise level, and we pretty much are the type who enjoy having our own space but still having someone here.
- I'm in a relationship! It's a bit long distance (3 hours) but he's definitely worth it :) Going to see him tomorrow!
- I'm trying to step up my volunteering to take up some time while I look for a job. Hoping I hear back about Unemployment soon so I don't have to worry so much.
- I reaaaaallly need to update my blog more. :P
So there's my life in a nutshell! Hope you're all doing well, or as well as you can.
It's 3:20 in the morning, and I am wide awake. I think I drank too much caffeine between dinner and the rest of today, and I'm just very restless right now to top it off. It's too hot in the house, and that's not helping.
So, so much has happened in the past few weeks/months since I posted last.
After going to Delaware to attend the funeral of my first best friend's father-in-law with my other best friend (yes, I have two and they are like sisters to me), I went back to Frederick, MD to await the birth of my niece! They were inducing my SIL the day I was to come back, so I decided to stay overnight and hopefully meet the first grandchild of the O'Neil clan. Unfortunately, that morning I woke up feeling feverish, tired, and my throat was sore - and to top it off, a snowstorm was on the way for PA. Becky had mentioned having strep that was not responding well to medication, so I bid a very, VERY reluctant early goodbye to Maryland and went home.
The next morning I was not feeling any better- I had some PTO days to take for work, so I took a sick day. Now, keep in mind that I HAD TIME TO TAKE, and we'd gotten an email from HR stating that we were to stay the hell home if we even THOUGHT we had the flu. I thought everything was peachy. My niece was also born at 2:56 AM that morning! Breanne Lisa, weighing a strapping 8 lbs, 12 oz. Unfortunately I didn't get to see her until she was a week old because I was feeling sick still, and I did not want to chance it with a newborn (or new parents!).
Color me surprised the next morning when I went into work, and was met at the door by my manager and escorted directly into the HR office. After 5 1/2 years of service, I was terminated over an attendance snafu. Apparently our sick time now functions on a rolling year, and not enough points had fallen off my record from last year (I took some time off work because I was so emotionally distraught over the marriage situation that I could not function). I managed to keep my composure until I got out the door and down the street, then sat in my car and just bawled. Understand, I have NEVER, in my ENTIRE LIFE, been fired from anything. So this was a new and scary low for me. I applied for Unemployment the second I got home, and then started applying for jobs.
It was at least heartening to know that many people at my now-ex-work missed me, and I have been contacted by many other people as well stating they were upset about the issue. It has at least given me a very good pool of people to draw references from! I was not even allowed to clean out my desk, and finally got all my personal items in the mail Monday- half of which were broken, of course. Someone basically piled all the glass, porcelain, and other breakables on the very bottom - no "Fragile" sticker, nothing. No care was taken at all with my personal possessions. I'd mentioned filing a claim for them, but for all the good that would do me, I'd rather not waste my time.
Since then I have had two job interviews, one of which seems very promising! I was complimented on my excellent resume and qualifications for the position. But at the outset, I now have a $5k stock share check coming, $1800 in tax refund (possibly more, apparently I forgot to take a deduction for tuition the last 2 years! I am going to go to HR Block and see if I can't get that straightened out), and Unemployment. I've also picked up a fair bit of freelance writing work, and if I can keep up a brisk pace, that will fill in any gaps quite nicely. Aside from that, having no health insurance is really my only issue right now! My stress levels have gone from through the roof, to feeling much more chilled out.
Kyr and I are officially getting divorced. I am going to be filing the paperwork in the next week or so, then it's 90 days to sort everything out...and I'm a legally single woman again. There was a lot of hemming, hawing, and crying. Kyr was angry at me that I had "given up" on the marriage, and it finally came down to me telling him that I am not interested in fixing it. He was given chance, after chance, after chance, and he blew them all. It's been off and on friendly, then cold, then awkward. Things are on the move, and we're sorting them out as we go. I need to see a lawyer and get the paperwork signed, then it's off to the courthouse. I've asked a friend to come with me, because I'm sure actually doing it will provoke a lot of emotion.
And...I met someone. If by "met" you mean "Have talked to online and by phone, but have not met in person yet".
I had promised myself, fervently, that I was NOT, repeat, NOT going to enter into the dating world again for at least a year. Get back in shape, shore up those mental scars, heal myself, and then go on the prowl a pristine example of divorced womanhood.
John Lennon famously said that "Life is what happens when you're making plans." And of course, Life has a way of not following our plans.
I have a profile on Pounced, the Furry/Anthro fandom personals site. I'd changed it back in December to reflect my current status- single, not looking for anyone, but desiring friends. I'd gotten several messages, none of which panned out. One day, a short but well-written message appeared in my inbox, and I decided, What the hell. Might as well see who this guy is. It's so rare to meet a furry who is not only well-versed in social graces, but doesn't treat a personal ad like a sign hung on a woman's neck that reads "TOTALLY UP FOR SEX!". I felt like I should at least give him the benefit of the doubt.
A simple conversation turned into a long one. A long conversation turned into a very, very deep one. Every day, we talked, and got to know one another better. By the fourth or fifth day, he'd given me his phone number, but I was still feeling too cagey to call him. Finally, last week I sacked up and gave him a call. I was pleasantly surprised by a very sensual and sexy voice, and so far there is a ton of chemistry. He's older than I am by about 10 years (I'm 29, will be 30 in the fall), owns his own business (used my well-polished research skills to verify that one myself), and is a very accomplished person. I admire him greatly, and our conversations have ranged from terrible flirting to deep discussions about corporate America, hiring practices, science, food...you name it. I love talking to him, and we've sat for literally four and five hours just chatting about everything and nothing. He's divorced as well, for about two years, and we have had a lot of discussions about divorce, too.
I'm very much trying not to pin my hopes on any one person at this point, but I am really looking forward to meeting him in the flesh at some point, and seeing if the chemistry transfers into the flesh. He may not like me, it may be awkward as hell, or we may explode in mutual happiness. It remains to be been. But, it's given me a very real desire to want to move forward in my life. Bigger and better things await me, and I've spent too long trying to fix something that was broken beyond repair.
I feel like I just had a baby without the pregnancy/birth.
We rescued (not from a shelter, but it's still a rescue as far as I'm concerned) a 5 month old Dachshund mix on Thursday. After about a day, we decided on the name Rynn. So far it's been an educations and a half, and I've been using up a lot of energy. It's gotten me up and out of the house at least!
The people we got her from never socialized her, never gave her shots, and never wormed her. She is about half housebroken, doesn't understand the "down" portion of stairs, and is just totally wigged out by the world right now. She's like a small-town farm girl that got kidnapped from her house and dropped into downtown Manhattan with no map and no explanation. She was totally infested with fleas when we got her - I basically told Kyr not to put her down for love or money, and the first thing we did when we got home was to strip our clothes, bathe her twice with flea shampoo, shower ourselves, and toss every scrap of clothing we'd been wearing in the washer.
If I wanted a training challenge, I sure as hell got one. But I'm pretty confident that with some consistency and some effort, she'll be an awesome dog. I already have my mind's eye set on getting her Canine Good Citizen, and definitely agility. Leash training is progressing, from not wanting to walk on one at all to eagerly following along with me. She still has fits and starts, and strange people/noises/sights freak her out. My goal is to push her boundaries as safely as possible until she has her shots and is spayed.
So far I have a good handle on socialization. It's just going to take time and effort. She's learning that the world is full of pretty cool people, sometimes people that bring her food!
The major issue is her attention-seeking behavior. She whines a LOT. I mean a LOOOOOOT. It would be like a small child bursting into tears and asking WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE every time you don't want to look at them. She latches onto you and will be up your ass every second if you let her. I've been basically pushing her off or outright ignoring her any time she whines. She has to be quiet and calm for me to play with her or call her to me. Once she has calmed down and is not focused on me, or playing with a toy, then I'll call her over for some loving.
I'm so glad I've been studying up on positive reinforcement. She is smart as hell, she gets concepts quickly, it's just going to take consistency to break some of this behavior and turn her into an awesome agility dog.
- Kyr wound up quitting his job in June. Between 12+ hour shifts (sometimes as long as 16 hours on a bad day) with less-than-stellar support from management, and the fact that every Wednesday resulted in him getting hollered at for SOMETHING, he began having some truly epic panic attacks. It got to the point where he was crying and throwing up on mornings he had to go in. So between some soul-searching and talking with a therapist, he decided to leave. He's trying to go back to manual labor for awhile, as we've discovered that he needs to be working with his hands, and call-center work is just mind-numbing.
- I am gunning for a MUCH better job with the state, as I'm pretty goddamn burnt out on my job, too. I'll have hit my 5-year anniversary as of August 6th, and I just need to do something different and get paid better, preferably where I have more than a snowball's chance in hell of advancement.
- I took this semester off from school because I am just burnt out totally. I was missing assignments and I just didn't care anymore. It meant I went to work and worked, then had to come home and work until I went to sleep. So I'm giving myself a break. I fully intend to finish, but I need to get through this crummy part first.
- I actually managed to find a little bit of paid writing work with a friend of mine! I haven't been keeping up with it nearly as much as I should, what with everything else going on. I have a lot of work I need to finish for my friend. Fortunately she's busy as hell too, and very understanding.
- We've been trying to get Kyr's car together so we can sell it. It's just a terrible make/model and seems to need tons of maintenance to keep it drivable compared to my Honda. The Honda is 16 years old and, while it looks like a big dinosaur turd, it's taken everything I've thrown at it and kept humming right along. I am terribly hard on cars, so this is awesome. Plus the infusion of cash wouldn't hurt, either.
In short, life just happened, and I got sidetracked. I was trying to keep way too many balls in the air, as it were- work, school, therapy, some financial issues, and my husband and I starting our own business of sorts (we're still trying to figure that one out, but we've pretty much jumped in with both feet at this point- his enthusiasm helps break me out of my over-caution). We had some personal troubles at the beginning of the year, but those have mostly sorted themselves out, and we continue to work towards making sure things are staying good.
I forgot I had another installment of Infectious Enthusiasm for you, and hopefully more on the way!
( Something just isn't right. Collapse )
Gleaming black as polished night
Screaming banshee songs of heat and life
To brood-mates unawakened
Some girls dream of dancing mares
Glittering snow on fire, shining white.
Lowly uttering soft promises
Of beautiful protection in her moonlit shadow.
Still others dream in color
Spots and dots, grulla and dun
Palomino pretties dressed in golden finery
Fire and ice, sun and shade
All extremes and power as they piaffe and passage
Turning, burning, wild with thunder and the pounding drums of earth
Hurricanes in bottles, released before a judge.
Side note, life has calmed somewhat, so I will be making some more entries before too long. I am in my new home with husband and roommates, and personal issues are being worked through with the help of a low dose of anti-anxiety meds and weekly therapy sessions. I really like the therapist I chose, he is a very nice guy with a gentle demeanor. The fact that he runs his own practice also means he is much more loose with how he runs things, which lends a comfortable air to sessions.
Without further ado, I present Oolong Dreams.
( Two hundred years of haikus will make anyone want a drinkCollapse )
I've been through a lot in the past month and a half, and between moving, school, and dealing with some personal issues, I haven't had the time, or frankly even the energy to put into writing or doing anything else besides focusing on the now.
We moved to Harrisburg! It's been an adventure, and it's taken us almost two weeks with minimal manpower and time to work on 5 years worth of "stuff". We wound up having to get rid of quite a lot of things from the old place because we simply don't have room.
But the new place is very nice, only 15 minutes from my work, and things are coming along, so we're happy with the change.
The personal issues are something I'm not going to talk about openly here. Suffice to say it's nothing life-threatening, but it is pretty serious. I've had to put donkey plans on hold until I have the emotional energy to be able to put into it like I should.
Writing has taken a backseat at this point until I can focus more. I've actually gone on Celexa for anxiety and depression issues, and it's helping a lot, with Ativan if I'm having a particularly bad moment. It's helped me function better at work and at home.
Once the flurry of the end of my school semester is finished, I'll probably be getting back into writing and posting more, but for now I am taking one thing at a time.